Wednesday, January 23

Starting Today

Lately , I have begun to organize my office files. In the last few weeks of 2007, I got overridden by some chaotic plague in my life that there was hardly any chance to sit down and put things in their proper places. Over the weekend, I will have to be rid of many others at home, those which I have indiscriminately tossed inside bags or unlabeled envelopes, pieces of paper torn from something and on which are scribbled random numbers or words that now have absolutely no meaning to me, but which I had snuck in obscure corners anyhow, hoping that I would have to sort them out one day but obviously never got round to doing so, seeing that it’s a colossal waste of time having to go through each of them and determine their importance to my future. Blech…

Now that I have piles and piles of notes that contain different things or memories, I can’t seem to begin cataloging them – are they stuff that bother me or delight me? I am not a generally messy person, but this is one aspect of myself that I can’t seem to get to the bottom of, why I buy diaries, organizers or notepads, every so often, but why I prefer to scribble somewhere else, at random moments, knowing that I am bound to lose it immediately soon after.

Be that as it may, this year, my penultimate goal in life is to Simplify. Not only on the physical things that I am embattled with, but also the events or milestones of my life in the last year that are in a completely cluttered state of my mind at this point. It seems that in the past few months, everything has come to be one big blur or indefinable grey mass before me, like a dream or recollection that is so vague but stays close to the edge of my consciousness that while I try to deny its existence, I know nonetheless that it is there. I wish I could totally exonerate it off my memory, or begin to file them into their respective folders and subfolders. Here for instance in my January folder, I could write daughter, or son, or husband and what it was that took place in their lives that was of significance, or concerned me somehow. Or maybe in December, what was it that I had tried to accomplish and planned about, but then forgot in the months that were leading up to it, as something else pressed on and unexpectedly? But digressed, I have. I can’t even answer that one hypothetically.

I believe that something must be done with my memory, and the way I lead my life. Work, too much of it, or too little of it, and the clumsy way I’ve sometimes handled my affairs as a mother, or just generally as a person who breathes, have considerably taken much of the time that I ought to be spending in much nobler pursuits ---like what, it’s not clear to me. Maybe reading a great book again, or learning languages, or getting my daughter to understand a poem, I don’t know. I just know that there are so much more in life than the daily office grind, or shopping for groceries, or gossiping about the new neighbors, or getting new prescription glasses. I just know that I would rather worry about not being able to listen to this awesome musical show in the weekend than make sure the water bill gets paid on time. I am such an oddball I know, but those are the things that make more sense in what life really is to me.

Well, if only I can do something with that life simplification/organization thing and start somewhere, maybe today, or now that it’s undeniably 2008, I am pretty sure that both my domestic and whimsical lives (you know, feeding my young to dinner, and taking off to a fancy flight of imagination in the same breath), would go just fine and dandy…..
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